Lately, a lot of people have been calling me and asking about Harrison's spring sports schedule. Wait, my phone was recently turned off. God, I hope it's not the voices again. In any case, our town offers a wide variety of activities for kids, everything from swimming to baseball. Last year they even tried combining the two. But after each inning, the outfield had to be dragged from the pool and given CPR, so they bagged it. Here are some of the most fun spring sports.
HARRISON SUMMER SWIM TEAM: This is the third consecutive year for the swim team, and Harrison officials want to tell the participants they can stop now. But since certain kids swam in a straight line, they're nearing Sydney and can't be called back. Which is why we need a whole new crop to go and get them. This activity is open to kids ages 5-to-17 , and swimmers will be evaluated on June 1. Don't worry, they mean a physical evaluation, so any child who says he wants to kill Osama Bin Laden will still be allowed to play before being sent off to join the special forces.
GIRLS SOCCER: Parents must supply black shorts, shin guards and a ball. Parents who've been hit hard by the recession will be allowed to weave a lanyard for the ref's whistle. The permission slip (due by June 3), requires you to list your health insurance company and its terms. Republicans, please don't use this space to rail against the president's recent legislation, or to question -- again -- where he was born. That's what the back of the form is for.
BABE RUTH LEAGUE: This is for boys ages 13 to 18. Players must supply their own bats and cleats, but please leave all chains at home. Or see the section on Joining a Harrison Street Gang.
DAY CAMP: Applications for camp must be received by April 29. Kids who screw up their paperwork and don't get it in on time might not have a chance at being admitted to camp. However, they will get first crack at any number of government jobs.
ARCHERY: Two archery classes were recently conducted, introducing kids to scoring, tackle care and safety. To Mrs. Leibowitz of West Harrison, who still has arrows stuck in her carport, the town promises next year safety will be introduced first. However they ask in the future you not refer to this as an 'Injun attack' and to check at your local casino for all sorts of acceptable substitutes.
TENNIS LESSONS: The town just began the first of 16 tennis lessons for boys and girls. They say the goals here are to provide "a positive tennis experience" focusing on fundamentals, development and sportsmanship. In other words you won't actually be hitting any balls until next season. For any child who finds this slow and frustrating, also see Joining a Harrison Street Gang to remedy the situation.
CREATIVE MOVEMENT THROUGH DANCE: This is a special class for pre-schoolers who love classical music and ballet and who figure, if they start this stuff early, they might get all the taunting out of the way before they start first grade. Children will learn dancing, listening and coordination -- and more importantly, how to simultaneously plie and kick a bully without leaving bruises. The use of scarves and rhythm sticks will be an added feature. Any student interested in re-enacting the death of Isadora Duncan must register in advance. But the release forms and paperwork will bury you. You might instead consider imitating Sandy Duncan. This requires no forms at all.